Fifteen Ways to Lose Yourself (Even if You Want to be Found)
by BookLover223
Summary: An early season 2 Grant Ward centric character study in fifteen pieces: Become a chameleon. Learn to blend in everywhere you go. Learn to be the American, the Canadian, the man from everywhere. Become the serious man, the drunken man, the fool. Learn to become everything and everyone then use these roles interchangeably. (Do not become the love struck idiot. It will get you killed
I recently found this on my laptop. I wrote it just after episode 2x01 aired.

This was inspired by Daphne Gottlieb's poem "15 ways to stay alive". I don't have a beta, sorry for any errors on my part.

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Fifteen Ways to Lose Yourself (Even if You Want to be Found)

1\. Love will get you through. (Except when it won't. Except when she looks at you with contempt. When the words flowing from her mouth are filled with hate. When her eyes are hard. When you think she will never forgive you for teaching her the lesson you learned by the well, the lesson you've been learning since birth. But sometimes when she looks at you there is softness in her gaze. Sometimes you think she might remember that she could have loved you once)

2\. Remember that John Garrett was once a good man

(Hopefully)

3\. Know that both of you are broken, have been shattered into millions of pieces. The difference is in how you put yourselves back together. You had Christian then Garrett. She only had herself. She belongs to herself, you are theirs. They are Frankenstein you are the monster. (She is fire)

4\. Try to remember who you were before SHEILD, before HYDRA. Before Garrett found you, before Christian haunted your dreams. Remember the little boy who looked up at the stars and dreamt of what might be waiting in the vastness of space. Remember the boy who wished for the sky and was forced underground

5\. Forget the little boy. You are not him, will never be him again. There is no use for him now. (But sometimes when you sit in the darkness of your cell looking at the blank ceiling above you allow yourself to miss the stars. You and the little boy have more in common that you think. You both wish for unreachable things)

6\. Don't allow yourself to miss her. Don't allow yourself to miss anyone. Don't give them that kind of power over you.

7\. Learn as many languages as you can. Speech is power, don't let them silence you. Never be silent again.

8\. Ignore the parallels. Buddy is not Fitz. Coulson is not your dad. Garrett … Garrett is a monster. (The look in her eyes says that you are one too)

9\. Be the monster in the closet, the monster under the bed. You haunt their dreams. (You are not the monster in a hockey mask with a knife. You are neither Jason nor Freddie. You are neither John nor Christian. You are Sully, you are only trying to help. You didn't know that Randal was cheating or that Mr. Waternoose was in on it. (But you do know that you should avoid animated movies)).

10\. Remember that you are made of rubber (you were made of glass once but it was too fragile. Steel was too strong, too unmovable. You were wood for a while but then HYDRA came out into the open and you burned. You are now rubber. Rubber is strong yet flexible, rubber will not burn as easily)

11\. Pretend that superheroes do not exist. There are no people running around in spandex to save the world. You do not belong to a super secret spy organization (or an even more secretive organization within it).

12\. Become a chameleon. Learn to blend in everywhere you go. Learn to be the American, the Canadian, the man from everywhere. Become the serious man, the drunken man, the fool. Learn to become everything and everyone then use these roles interchangeably. (Do not become the love struck idiot. It will get you killed)

13\. Give her a rusty knife. Let her believe that she has the power to stab you in the heart. (She does have the power and it surprises you both) Don't tell her about the hidden gun.

14\. Don't feel bad about the gun. If life has taught you anything it is that you should never give all of yourself to someone else. They will break you. (Somewhere, in a place you don't dare to go, there is a little boy who loves the stars screaming at you because you are already broken and she can put you back together).

15\. You are not SHEILD

You are not HYDRA

You are Grant Ward and you belong to nobody.

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The Monsters Inc. reference was a complete accident, just roll with it.

How was it? Please comment below.


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